Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure

This is my problem with the blogsphere: I want to say something important. Something meaningful, and timeless, and profound. I want to put something of meaning and value and substance out there. And, considering the only readers I have at this point are my sisters, it's not like it really matters. Yet, when I sit down and try to think of what I want to publish, what I want to put out to the world, I want it to be big; I want it to be powerful. But, there isn't usually anything big to say. And, I don't have the words to express my power - at least, not right now.

I think I've lived most of my life giving away my power. Letting it slip through my fingers like water, barely noticing as it slips down the drain. I say what others want me to say. I do what others want me to do. I smile when I'm supposed to smile. Laugh, act polite, find a way to agree. I live in a completely controlled environment, of my own devising. I had a writing teacher once who told us to "turn off our inner editors." I never could do it. I analyze and consider every possible option before I do something. And you know what? It's never the right decision. Not because the right thing didn't happen, but because I didn't happen.

I am not a quiet person. I am a quiet person.

You are what you do, everyday.

Beauty

Jen wanted to watch an inspirational movie today. Of course, her first choice was Into the Wild. Not sure how that's "inspirational." I finally convinced her to watch Last Holiday. It's a little cheesy, definitely predictable, and I normally do not like chick flicks, but I really kind of like this movie. And, I gotta tell you, I am feeling inspired.

You know those girls who always seem to be put together? You know, they could be wearing mismatched socks and a stained shirt and still make beauty look effortless? Well, that's not me. I mean, I wash up pretty good, but the party better be over within four hours 'cause I am guaranteed to have spilled something somewhere, make-up starting to drip down my face, and hair that's looking a little prehistoric.

I'm not really making a statement about beauty here. Actually, I'm trying to say the opposite. I don't want to be remembered as the pretty girl who never said/did anything. I want to care a little less about what the world sees and care a little more about the journey.

I talked last time about New Year's resolutions. I have three that I am (yes, am) working on this year. They are: to be healthy mentally, emotionally, and physically. And with that thought in mind, may I quote a line from the movie: "it is not how you begin that's important, it is how you finish."

Second Tries

Okay, so it's New Year's time (a little late), but it's always a good time to start new resolutions. I thought I had set my resolutions a month ago. I figured out a couple of goals I wanted to work on and wrote them down. Wrote down a whole plan of what I wanted to do and how I was going to get there. And then, I dunno, life happens -- starting New Year's Day.

My first resolution for 2011 was to have, and follow, a 'nighttime routine'. This included: preparing lunch for the next day, reading for 15 minutes, and going to bed at a specific time (my family says I'm grouchy when I don't get enough sleep, so this resolution was supposed to appease all). My very first night (after all the partying on new year's), my sister calls at 1 AM to say that her car has broken down and she needs me to drive three hours away to come pick her up.

I still could've had my routine the next day. I could have tried again the day after. But I didn't. One little thing out of place and the whole plan goes down the drain. See, right now, as I'm writing this it is two hours past my 'nighttime routine' goal. And heaven knows I could use more sleep.

The point is, back in May I had decided to start this blog, with the intention that I would occasionally write - maybe three or four times a month. It didn't happen. I don't know exactly where it went wrong (perhaps the vague timeline for posts had something to do with it), or what the misstep was that lead to me forgetting the name of the blog, but this is what the New Year is really all about. It's a time to remember what we want from life and recommit to making things better.

Here's to a new Year. Hope it's a good one.