So, here it is 5 AM and I've been up and getting ready for work for over an hour now. I'm pretty sure it's a new anti-depressant I am taking which gives me energy during the day ... and night. My cats woke me up at 4 AM and no matter what I tried I couldn't go back to sleep. Which is unfortunate because when I went to bed at 9:30 my thought was "instead of staying awake getting things done, I'm going to listen to the signals my body is sending me and go to sleep because I am tired now." Except, that, thanks to the new medication, I couldn't fall asleep, either! I tried every technique I have learned over the years, including my fool-proof method of listening to music at such a low volume it takes all of my concentration just to hear it. That always makes me fall asleep. So, basically, I think I got about five hours of sleep. I don't feel that tired right now, but I'm a little worried about my afternoon energy level. Since I have some extra time, and because I'm thinking about sleep, here are some thoughts:
I've been trying to use positive thinking and meditation to help myself feel better. I spent a few nights ago telling myself over and over again, "I am safe. I am safe. I am safe." Suddenly, I pictured myself on a tight-rope suspended high above a canyon (I am terrified of heights). It seemed so ludicrous for someone to tell me I was safe at that point! I don't know how to walk a tight-rope! I have terrible balance. I was wearing the wrong shoes, for crying out loud! As I looked around, in my mental image, I saw everyone else walking their own tight-ropes. Some seeming to not even notice they were on a tight-rope; casually pacing back and forth across the chasm, hands in pockets and whistling a tune. All I wanted to do was get down on my hands and knees and cling to that rope for dear life, or just go with the inevitable and release all that built up tension by tumbling over. And, there I was, chanting, "I am safe. I am safe," when obviously, I am not. Why couldn't anyone see that I needed help? patience? understanding? A hand?
What would I do to cure myself of these feelings? of these fears?
I keep thinking about this picture I saw on facebook the other day. It has a heavier guy in jogging clothes walking on a path. The caption said, "Just remember, you are lapping all those people on their couches." What a great sentiment! Every little bit helps. Every effort is worth it. Every small, timid step across the tight-rope is one step closer to learning how to balance. One step closer to feeling safe.
